The Hertfordshire woman who has it all but can't remember where she put it!

In a world where the perfect mother juggles work, home and a bloke, Julia manages to keep a pint of lager, a pizza and a baby all in the air at the same time.

STEPPING OFF THE TREADMILL

Last week I was made redundant from my job in the City. Not an earth-shattering event you might think, after all it happens to someone, somewhere, everyday. But when it happens to you, it suddenly becomes a monumental judgement on your life.

FIND OUT MORE ABOUT JULIA

In other words, I have now become the only person it has ever happened to in the history of the workplace, and no one is remotely qualified to even begin to understand how it feels. Not even the other 1499 my firm laid off on the same day.

The fact that I worked in Human Resources (mmm such a nice ring to it. Why don’t they just call it "Disposable Flesh Supplies"?) made it even worse somehow.

Hang on, I’m the one that does the sympathetic–head- tilting- soft-voiced ‘this is not personal’ thing. I’m the one that reassures, encourages and then hurries the condemned out of the room as quickly as possible to the outplacement people. I’m the one that has to smile sweetly at people knowing their name is on a spreadsheet in bright red!

And, bloody hell, I had only just come back from maternity leave! How dare they!!!!

So that’s why I took it quite hard. It wasn’t my fault. The firm was in decline, the cost of all the new sofas in the reception area had tipped the balance, and so that was that.

Snivelling
One minute I was a high-flying career woman with a Coffee Republic habit to prove it, and the next minute I was snivelling into a pint of lager bemoaning my fate. Then I snivelled into a few more pints, and by the time I had my second meeting with my big boss to confirm things (because clearly I hadn’t grasped the fact that I’d lost my job!) I looked and smelled like an old beer mat.

My big speech about the injustice and discrimination of it, ending with a dramatic "See you at the tribunal - we both know you don’t stand a chance" turned into "S’OK, I unnerstand compleeeeeetely, s’been a gas and hey I know you’da kep me if yer coulda, so cheerio and less have lunch soon eh???"

I handed back my laptop, worrying about whether a photo of my son in the bath might land me in a paedophile trial, then I handed back my security pass which had on it the most hideous picture ever taken of me. And that’s saying something.

I then realised that I no longer had to use my married name which was great as I am divorced and never got round to changing my name at work. I looked into it once, but getting canonised by the Vatican seemed easier so I left it.

I said goodbye to someone in reception who didn’t even know me, and then I lost my mobile phone and therefore all the numbers of my old colleagues. Symbolic? No - just bloody careless as usual.

New status
As I reflected on my new status as an unemployed mother, I realised that actually I don’t even like skinny latte. And I don’t like standing on trains (more about the St. Albans to City Thameslink run another time).

I hate people who say things like "can I take a quick scuba in your think tank" and I despise matrix management, mainly because I don’t know what it means. I loathed the internal structure of my firm, which was more complex than the nervous system of an elephant, and mutated into something new more often than a genetic atom bomb.

The list of things that made me feel better went on and on. And that was before I got to all the things in my personal life, which for once is fine and dandy! All in all I am now feeling less like one of Ibsen’s tragic heroines and I just can’t believe I ever had the time to go to work!

After all, I have to go to interviews, I need to get a new mobile, I’ve got to get an estimate on the damage to my car after I lost my temper with a woman in a 4x4 and just to prove it drove into a post!

Most crucially of all there’s looking after Charlie boy, the seven-month-old light of my universe who landed himself in hospital yesterday with breathing difficulties…..Career? You can stick it up your mocha!