The Hertfordshire woman who has it all but can't remember where she put it!

In a world where the perfect mother juggles work, home and a bloke, Julia manages to keep a pint of lager, a pizza and a baby all in the air at the same time.

JUST THE JOB

I have spent quite a lot of time at job interviews lately. Yes I know I was extolling the virtues of having no career merely two months ago, but I have decided to go back to work after all.

FIND OUT MORE ABOUT JULIA

OK I’ll come clean, neither my bestseller, nor my invention, and especially not my hand-made baby clothes projects have emerged from my imagination.

To be blunt, and I apologise in advance to the mother earth fraternity, I have realised I do like work. I like colleagues, I like cash, and I am even starting to miss café latte (gadzooks).

I know I should be content to raise my beautiful son and it is selfish of me to try to have a life beyond that, but tough.

I was working girl Julia long before I was a mummy and I kind of her miss her. Well, parts of her.

I was never keen on the Julia that was always losing her season ticket and always selecting the train that would break down. The good bits about working Julia were OK, and I think my son will like her.

So, job interviews. Well it’s been interesting to say the least. There was the one where I turned up and there was no one there. Perhaps they were tipped off.

There was the one where I spent an hour being "role-played" to death by a woman who confessed at the end that she had no idea what she was talking about. At least we had something in common.

There was the one that took me two hours to get to, including a Linford sprint, an Edwards jump across Hammersmith Rd, and very nearly cardiac arrest, only to be told by a smug receptionist that I could have been there in 20 minutes had I started from somewhere else…

And then there was the one where I practically brained myself by slamming my head in my car door due to post interview stupidity, and, the piece de resistance, the one where all I had to do was get to Brentford by exiting the M4 at junction 2, and somehow found myself in Knightsbridge in heavy traffic. Without a map.

This joyous experience fulfilled all of my phobias, namely being lost, being lost while driving in London, and being lost while driving in London with half an hour to go before an interview.

All in all it has been quite an eye-opener. But the most enlightening thing of all, apart from my inability to navigate or operate any kind of transportation, has been the very obvious and very unsubtle discrimination against working mothers!

Not from employers, from the "agents" they use to fill their vacancies.

"Hi Julia, it’s Great White from Rip off and Scarper Recruitment. The new one stop solution to all your…

"Yes hello it’s OK I know what you do"

"GGRRREATTT!! So, ya looking for a fab new role? Cos boy, oh boy, do I have it!!!"

"Yes, a new job would be lovely, can you tell me a bit about..?"

"Listen Jules, I can call you Jules can’t I? I jus’ wanna fire the spec off to you and then whack your CV to my client. You are puurrfect for this role".

WE HEAR A SMALL BABY SQUEAK, OR POSSIBLY CHUCKLE.

"Hey Jules, er, was thadda KID?"

"Yes. My son. He’s trying to eat the cat."

"Um, (nervous laugh) um, um, listen J, I think there might be a few C-u-l-t-u-r-a-l probs with these guys at this company, you know, um, ohmigod -there’s –my- mobile-catch- you- later."

You get the idea. When I gave birth I didn’t realise that my brain was expelled with the child. I pushed bloody hard but not that bloody hard.

It seems that ageism and sexism and racism now have a new found friend – motherism. And it’s a great pity because I have so much more to offer than I did before.

Here are just of few of my new competencies …I can tell if someone is in need of the loo, whether or not they are going belch or vomit, whether they might be about to spit food into my eyes, when they are tired and in need of a power nap, and most of all when for no apparent reason they could start yelling at me.

These are the real skills you need in the modern workplace. And it doesn’t end there. I am more organised.

The word routine no longer means quick half in the wine bar followed by three more in the pub followed by a curry and the last train home. I am now a multi-tasking guru.

How many people do you know who can, while talking on the phone, simultaneously comfort a crying baby, warm bottle in microwave (one-handed obviously because of the baby comforting) find a clean bib from the back of the bib cupboard, feed baby, put up ironing board, keep the conversation going sensibly, remember there’s nothing for dinner and start making list for supermarket AND feed the cat?

Well, actually you know thousands of people like that. And you may well be one of them.

So, when I am being pulled in 50 directions next week on the first day of my new job, I will call on all of these new skills.

Especially the one where I get to put someone who is being totally unreasonable in a small wooden albeit beautifully carved cage and shut the door on them.