The Death Of Klinghoffer has been nominated for a Royal Philharmonics Society Awards on 5th May. We have already failed to win a South Bank Show award, although it was exciting to be there, and won the Prix Italia. I was nominated for a BIFA for The Principles Of Lust and didn't get that either. Being shortlisted for awards and getting all gussied up and turning up for the event is very odd - it's really lovely to be up there, but you can't help feeling like a loser when you don't win.

I have had plenty of practice at that loser clapping thing where you pretend to be pleased. Frankly, part of you wants to go "Oh ****!!!!" when you think you should have won and you haven't. (I was told not to swear in this diary but have to be realistic here.) A couple of times I felt it was the right decision and a better film had beaten mine, and then I felt surprisingly generous towards the winner.

"I KEEP LOSING MY WAY"

I handed over my Twist draft to [my producer] George Faber on Thursday evening with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. It still isn't right. We had a phone conversation about it yesterday and arranged a script meeting for Friday morning. He said the first quarter was "sensational" and that he had thought "she's finally cracked it", but that from there on it only works in fits and starts. I agree with him, and he had very helpful things to say. I've over-complicated it so I'm going to take a week or two to strip it down. I don't want to send it to Tessa [Ross, head of FilmFour] until I am passionate about it myself and can fight for it. I know there is something very colourful and interesting in there, and that I keep losing my way. I am a moron.

Yesterday I did a panel discussion for Stellar Network (a theatre, film and television network thing). The other panellists were David Aukin, who used to run FilmFour and is now an independent producer, and Nick Kent from the Tricycle Theatre. Everyone was great, but I felt very depressed afterwards. On Saturday I am doing a session about The Principles Of Lust for Shooting People at The Other Cinema. There are a few other things like that coming up and it's hard to keep a balance between not wanting to be too curmudgeonly and encouraging young filmmakers, and finding your weeks slipping away talking about making films instead of making them.

About a year ago I agreed to give the Forman Lecture in Manchester on 28th April. This will be a bit more academic and thoughtful, and I've enjoyed thinking about it and going back to some anthropology texts I read long before I realised that making films was something people like me could do. I also have the Margate Exodus and an opera project about the Black Panthers with John Adams simmering away and need to do the research for that.

But I can't get on with any of it - including the Bradford film which is much clearer in my mind - until Twist is as perfect as it can be. Or I slit my throat. I can't give up. It's been a year now.