BBC - Films - High Noon - 25th November 2003

		Batman's Butler Michael Caine is in negotiations to don a penguin suit for Batman 5: Batman Intimidation! No, not the short-legged super-villain previously played by Danny DeVito, but Bruce Wayne's trusted butler Alfred. The film starts shooting next year for a 2005 release with Christopher Nolan (Memento, Insomnia) taking on megaphone duties. Homegrown hunk Christian Bale will wear the modified Speedo cap with silly pointy ears.

		Lolly Actually Brit-com Love Actually rang up £6,657,479 at UK tills over the weekend. According to the publicist's memo, that makes it "the highest grossing British romantic comedy opening of all time". Are you sure you got all that? In other words: It's not the highest grossing opening ever. And it's not even the highest grossing opening for a British film ever. It's the highest grossing opening for a British 'romantic comedy' - ever since the last time Richard Curtis wrote a romantic comedy. Glad we got that cleared up then.

		One Baldie And A Baby It's what the world has been waiting for: xXx meets Three Men And A Baby in Vin Diesel's latest venture The Pacifier - which, incidentally, translates as The Dummy in The Queen's English. The ink has only just dried on the deal that'll see Diesel play a secret agent charged with protecting the sprogs of an important government scientist. (High Noon forsees a Mini-Me sight gag.) Hilarity ensues (intentional, or otherwise) when the tough guy realises that babysitting is his toughest undertaking yet - a mission that is sure to see more tears and bloodshed than the first press screening of Three Men And A Little Lady.

		Kutcher Cops Out Ashton Kutcher claims that he opted out of Cameron Crowe's latest project Elizabethtown due to "scheduling conflicts", but rumours abound that Crowe was less than happy with Kutcher's ability to pull off a leading dramatic role and gave him the elbow. The New York Post quotes an unnamed source who says: "Cameron was unhappy with his read-throughs. Ashton did several and each one was worse and worse. Cameron even postponed production because he thought the readings would get better but they didn't." Conversely, this story does get better. The source adds: "At one point, Cameron suggested that Ashton take acting lessons. Soon after that, they both decided it would be best if Ashton was not in the movie." Kerching.

		Get Ready To Sundance January's Sundance Film Festival will open with Spanish-language film The Motorcycle Diaries, starring Gael Garcia Bernal of Y Tu Mamá También fame. Produced by Festival founder Robert Redford (conflict of interest?), the story follows a young Che Guevara, biking through South America on a journey that would inspire his revolutionary politics. Other movies due to feature include the self-explanatory Adultery, starring Naomi Watts and Mark Ruffalo; black comedy Marie And Bruce, with Julianne Moore and Matthew Broderick as two halves of another fractured marriage; and Kevin Bacon's Oscar appeal The Woodsman, about a paedophile returning to his hometown after 12 years in prison. (High Noon resists the temptation to make a superfluous Michael Jackson crack.)

		Anti-Santa Pitch black Christmas comedy Bad Santa is getting a bad wrap (get it?) Stateside. The Miramax production, which sees Billy Bob Thornton as a no-good department store Santa, is said to have PO'd Disney brass - who provide a financial umbrella for Harvey Weinstein's New York outfit. Thornton's co-star Bernie Mac (Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle) denies the reports, telling BBCi FILMS: "It's not true. It's all politicking. If the movie makes 200 million dollars, they're going to be all for it! It's a bunch of bull!" The Mac is quick to add that this festive movie is strictly no kids allowed: "We adults struggle with our kids, trying to make a living, and we have nothing for ourselves. Everything is for the kids. This movie is for adults." High Noon is sure there's a Michael Jackson joke here somewhere, but can't quite put a finger on it...